So, here I sit…

Here I sit on leave from a job as a teacher that I hate yet I am stuck. Secretly I want to quit and never go back but I am frozen with fear to make a move. I know in my heart that I do not belong there. Every inch of my being is sure that that place is not where I am meant to be. However, I am clueless about what or where to go. What I do know is, I don’t want to be in this state, I don’t want to be in this house, I want to sell everything and travel. I feel like I am drowning in stuff, all of this stuff that has accumulated in this house is suffocating me. There are times when I wish my house would fly away with everything in it. The last several years this feeling has been simmering and stirring inside of me and now it has reached its peak. I am suffering miserably from depression and anxiety. I realize that this is a transitional period but how do you transition without a clue as to where or how to transition?

The last several years have been difficult with my only child leaving home for college in another state, the sudden death of a my ex-husband (and only child’s father during her first semester at college), several miscarriages and a morbidly obese mother whose health is failing at the early age of 66. Looking back I see that I have been searching for something to relieve and answer this growing pain. I have tried training for a marathon, completely changing my eating habits, taking all kinds of vitamins and minerals, enrolling back in school, yoga, and prayer.

During this recent depressive episode, I’ve read just about every self help book I could get my hands on. Books like “The Power of Positive Thinking”, “The Power of Now”, “How To Save Your Own Life”, “The Alchemist”, “Steering by Starlight”, “Loving What Is”, “Awaken the Giant Within” and many more.I had hoped that the answer to my struggle would just jump out at me. Then I thought, if only I had a few thousand dollars lying around I could go to one of those author’s workshops and then the answer would be clear. I don’t and I have a feeling the answer won’t be that easy anyway.

So here I sit listening to an audio CD from Joyce Meyer on forgiveness. Perhaps I haven’t forgiven myself for some of the terrible things I did in my youth or all of the judgements I have made on others. Perhaps it’s my hormones and grief from my miscarriages, perhaps it’s Empty Nest Syndrome or the realization that I (a high school dropout) gave my daughter (who is currently studying at a prestigious university) every bit of strength I had and left nothing for myself. Perhaps it’s the pain of growing up with a morbidly obese mother and a father with the mentality of an 8 year old.

I started this blog not for someone to come and rescue me, which I have secretly always wished for( yet realized early it was only a dream and that I was on my own) but for some relief. Maybe by writing and getting this pain out I can find some relief, some hope or some answers.

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About amysmidlifemess

Trying to think of something funny or deep to describe myself. I got nothing.. My nest is now empty leaving lots of stones unturned. I'm searching, I'm seeking. I'm sad and I'm weeping.
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