We just moved my daughter back into college for the remainder of the year. She studied abroad in Copenhagen last semester so is now back on campus finishing up her junior year. Once again it is so hard to say goodbye to her. So hard to comeback here and see this cluttered house that is full yet feels so empty. I worked so hard for her yet can’t seem to find that fight for myself. It only took a day for that sinking feeling to return. What now? Haven’t done anything about this little business that I want to start because I’m afraid. What the hell am I afraid of you ask? Who knows? What are half of the fears that we struggle with really about?
I need to do something. Whats my alternative? Find another job that I will hate? Hope the cruiseline beckons again so that I can escape for 5 months and come back to the same crap? I can’t go back to teaching although lately I have worried that I am going to have to cause who would hire me? I have applied a few places and haven’t heard anything. I don’t know? I feel like a lost soul. Like I am self destructing but doing nothing about it.
This monotony day in and day out is for the birds. The public library and all of it’s self-help books have lost it’s appeal. I started to go visit my mean grandmother who is 90 years old and most days doesn’t even recognize me. My poor grandfather has spent the last 64 years trying to give her everything she could dream of (nice houses, nice cars, lots of travel, and total devotion) yet it never seemed to work. She is a mean one and is even meaner in this demenia state. She calls him an idiot, accused me of secretly being his girlfriend, calls the nurses racist names and refuses to eat. I thought that by visiting I would be able to help take some of the burden off of the poor man but she is now just as nasty to me and doesn’t even recognize me or acknowledge me. I am still stopping by thinking it will make him feel better but I am not sure if it is helping or making things worse. The other day she told me how dumb I was and how smart my mother and brother are and maybe she is right since my brother hasn’t been around in 20 years or so. Perhaps he is the smart one for staying away.
Lot’s of rambling sorry, I just can’t even get my thoughts organized enough to stay on one topic. I am not sure where I was going with this post but felt the need to write something. I applied to a local hospital today as a registrar and have no idea why? How am I so lost at 40? Am I truly the Biggest Loser?