Grumpy Gram’s viewing was quite an interesting affair. She looked absolutely beautiful in the most beautiful dress I have ever seen her wear. There were quite a few people in attendance.I knew that my morbidly obese mother and Asshole Father would be there but quite a few other relatives showed up too. I also had a friend that stopped by to pay her respects.
I know it sounds selfish but I didn’t want her to come. I didn’t want to be embarrassed by my father’s behavior and my mother’s obesity. Actually I am probably more embarrassed by my mother than my father. My father’s behavior borders on insanity but it is often entertaining to watch. I thought I had moved on from this feeling of embarrassment in the last few years but when my friend said she was stopping by it all came back. I tried to talk her out of coming but she insisted. Who could blame her she knew it would be quite a spectacle.
Well my parents arrived before I did and my mother plopped herself down on two chairs (that’s how many it takes to hold her) in the back of the chapel. She always tries to make herself invisible but how can a morbidly obese person be invisible? My Grandfather insisted that she move up closer so that she could be closer to Grumpy Gram and that she could meet people. When I arrived she was quick to let me know some of the asshole things my Asshole father had already done. You see how quickly she shifted the attention to him and his ineptness?
Well my Asshole Father was a sight to be seen. He wore his straw fedora hat, his Hawaiian shirt, his tweed ill fitting jacket, his white pants with a thick blue stripe going down the side and his brown leather boat/tennis shoes. He immediately (as I predicted) asked Gramps how much this shindig was costing him. Then he went out to the lobby to read a book on his Kindle.
Dad did manage to come back in to hear the service that was conducted by a preacher who was hired by the funeral home. This guy had obviously never met my Grandmother because he kept mentioning her smiling face, loving heart and kind ways (to which I held back a few giggles). They asked if anyone would like to say a few words and to my horror I heard my Asshole Father’s voice call out “I will”.
I really can’t tell you what his speech was about but here are a few of the highlights. He spoke of his hopes, his dreams and fears. He mentioned working in New York, wanting to be a movie star, the fact that there were so many Japanese people in New York at that time, being an elevator operator, the nice uniforms the elevator operators wore back then, his friend named Harvey Wallbanger (name changed to protect identity), about how he was kicked out of the Marines, how he felt that his mother was not really sick and all the sick talk recently was “horse shit”, how his mother was a very strong willed woman, how she had a lot of trouble with people like his kids but he never had any problem with her. Then he tied it all together by saying that his mother always took him back and never gave up on him even when he had given up on himself. Okay, that was probably the nicest thing that Asshole has ever said in his life.
Rest in Much Needed Peace Grams! I wish I could have looked past your hurtful words and gotten to know you better.